My second time in Ängsbacka was amazing, again. But different. Because of the familiarity I felt more comfortable with the family and the program. I did not go through as deep a spiritual journey as the first time, but became aware of these new insights: that staying mindful, connected with the now, is threatened by living in repetition. The body stores away sensations and experiences in deeper, less conscious parts. As to make way for new things. But in that growing feeling of family I also felt a deeper love, one that grows by proximity. We were caring, loving, expressing, enjoying, massaging, playing. We came so close and grew so much love, that I started connecting more to my bigger purpose: to enrich each others lives by being me, in all my beautiful facets. Living a life from simplicity, not adding to noise. Bringing clarity and joy. And touch! Didn’t I say to myself last year that I would start doing massage courses? Didn’t do any, not yet. But I did massage every day at Ängsbacka again, which fuelled my determination to really make it my main practice.

But I also became more aware of me rejecting what I have in me. Could I integrate it all? Maybe there was a way to take my old career into the next evolutionary stage: instead of programming myself, maybe I could use my enthusiasm and knowledge to evangelise my technological vision. So I built out my vision into a demo stack and had around 10 interviews, all aimed at becoming just that: leading tech teams into the future of computer automation. None worked out. Mostly because I could not commit to a year long of full time work, and sometimes because it wasn’t a good fit or timing, but also because I didn’t fully believe in my own silly endeavour to get back in. So I was done playing that game. Universe says no!

At the same time it became clear that I had to go to Mexico, because my parked car had to be removed. The family I paid to watch over it said police started asking questions and neighbours started talking about it. So in January 2018 I booked a ticket, and early February I went back, together with a friend. We traveled from Cancún to Tulum with the car, and stayed at the beach for almost 3 weeks. Only relaxing, swimming, exercising in the water and on the beach, doing yoga and having fun. And dealing with my new found family of beach lovers. Many beautiful souls, but also a lot of dysfunctional men that were yearning for love and peace inside. They had attached so deeply to their identities, that they didn’t want to or couldn’t let go off them. These identities were major obstacles on the path to freedom and sensitivity (which is needed to be in direct contact with reality), but their innate need for love and connection revealed itself over and over through smiles and talks. I was grateful to be there. It felt as if I was needed there.

My friend went back to NL and it was time to move on. Some of the beach family joined and we journeyed via Bacalar to Palenque. Here I stopped to help out a friend from Tulum, who was overwhelmed by his duty taking care of two friends that ended up in hospital after a psychosis. I thought my grounding presence might help, and so we walked, ate, felt, touched, slept, and then decided to do a road trip to San Cristobál de las Casas. Slowly reality came back to them, but we felt trapped in the city. So we decided to continue to San Marcos La Laguna, Lago Atitlán. My friends fully recovered in that last week there, being in nature, paddling on the water, and making plans to go back home. And when they did I was grateful to have met them, and care for them. Such wonderful people!

I stayed in San Marcos over a month and found a new and nurturing family. Such a spiritual vortex! Ecstatic dance every week, chocolate ceremonies, stunning views and nature. But most of all, so many open people leading their own open life. Vulnerability and uncertainty are at the center of being, hiding nothing, without pretense. It was there that I came across the Shiatsu course of Lazio Luna, and so I decided to jump in. It felt so natural! I received many compliments affirming I was on the right path. Every time I gave someone a massage I felt rejuvenated. I was meditating on their bodies, being only in the moment with what was in front of me. I felt such alignment and sense of purpose! During my time in San Marcos I also felt a growing need to put all of my strengths and qualities into service, not only through touch. I have witnessed people gain more clarity in my presence many times. When I connect with the source and step into the flow of universal wisdom, it feels as if that wisdom is revealing itself through the words coming out of my mouth. But only in full awareness of what is now, and staying connected to just that. Not going into ideas, nor judgement, nor patterns of thought, nor any of those tricks of the mind that make you lose contact with reality.

So I am trying to capture my simplistic views into writings. To support others, but also myself in crafting invitations for upcoming meetings. Because there lies a greater potential for healing the mind: helping each other discover and break through the veils we created ourselves. Finding your own blind spots can be very hard ;) And maybe I will be able to combine my gifts into a powerful session: helping to relax through massage and touch, and creating clarity in life. Ultimately leading to that peaceful trust in life and oneself, however uncertain the future may be :)

After working for over 8 months I was in pain. I needed to make a shift. I was invited to join a community in Sweden organising conscious festivals. My first experience in Ängsbacka in the summer of 2016 was life altering. After 3 beautiful days there I decided to stay longer than the initial week planned, and ended up staying 7 weeks.

We worked, ate,  shared, swam, danced, expressed, sang, loved, everything together in Harmony. That is also when I started massaging people regularly (almost daily in the sauna), because it felt as a calling and I needed more practice. I became so healthy in body, mind and soul, that I decided not to go back to my unhealthy old line of work: crafting software for money. Instead I would focus on massage.

So I also decided to travel away from my concrete environment and keep moving my body. Luckily Dariush (whom I met at Ängsbacka) visited my house and never left: he became a dear friend and brother, and offered to take care of the house and Airbnb guests for me, while even paying rent for the penthouse on top. I booked a ticket to California, bought a car to travel with and had an amazing time there with friends and nature. Then I drove south to Mexico, travelled around and stayed in Baja (which is an awesome place by the way) for over a month at Proyecto Amor with friends.

17 days of silence followed in the Hridaya yoga school in Mazunte, followed by another 21 days of yoga module 1. Such bliss and revelations, and such wonderful people! I did find out that such a controlled life in a retreat community is not for me, as it is mostly aimed at letting die of the old. There was no attention for life in all it’s facets, and the whole of my being yearned for expression and exploration.

By chance my dear friend Shay (whom I befriended the summer before in Ängsbacka) also arrived in Mazunte, and we became brothers seeing each other daily. I was pointed towards “embodiment” by him: every moment in life is to be felt, and through relaxation one can de-arm old patterns of contraction. He had learned a lot through his relationship with Aisha Salem. I already understood what I needed, but mostly from the mind: flow with what is, remove any resistance. But now Shay made it seem more practical. When emotions are felt, be present with the feelings and relax. Relaxing away contractions that stemmed from trauma made it lose it’s grip on the body.

Shay suggested reading Krishnamurti. After reading “Freedom from the Known” and “The awakening of Intelligence” my life had become even simpler than before. Being with what is, and becoming aware of the tricks of the mind that take me away from the now, was my major concern. As always I trusted myself to know what to do when it needed to be done, and so I set out on this new path of embodiment. It felt like a relief to embrace the fullness of life, instead of becoming a teacher at Hridaya, which I had contemplated on before while in stillness. Life it is!

Shay joined me going back to the Netherlands, where he would live in my house and deal with my Airbnb guests, and I would be going back for my second summer in Ängsbacka :) I felt so grateful to have been living an organic and adventurous life, and now it was time to go see my family again: my blood relatives, as well as my hippie brothers and sisters! Me, Shay and Dariush lived for some weeks together and shared many stories and emotions, such brotherhood! But then came the time for the next summer in Ängsbacka, and so Dariush left in his travel van, while I took my own car som days later, and we set out for Sweden once more.